Wives and girlfriends are rejoicing around the world as the cure for mamitis has finally been discovered. Mamitis, which is the over-the-top, eye-rolling, just-cut-the-umbilical-cord-already relationship between a mother and son, has long been a nuisance to women married to or dating men suffering from this debilitating disease.
Scientists have been working on the cure for mamitis ever since the first tragic case was documented in ancient Greek mythology. For centuries, researchers were stumped because each case was so different. Behaviors ranged from calling mami every day, to not making plans without consulting mami first. However, after careful investigation of the data, they were able to come up with a classification system. Doctors can now prescribe a pill, with the dosage dependent on whether the case is acute, moderate, or severe.
“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this,” confided a middle-aged wife with tears in her eyes. “The first thing I’m doing is putting his mother in a home. Finally, she won’t interfere in our arguments. Finally, I can be first!”
Mothers’ reactions to the news have been mixed. “Frankly, I’m scared,” says Señora Griselda, age 64. “Who’s going to take me everywhere I need to go? I used to be able to call at any hour and my son would come over, but now I’m going to have to think twice before I make that call. And what about when I have complaints about his wife? Who’s going to take my side now?”
On the other hand, some mamis are relieved. “Ay, por fin!” cried Marina, age 49. “My son never leaves me in peace! I need to find myself a man, and he scares them all away. If I don’t come home every night at a decent hour, he starts calling me nonstop.”
As the date for the pill’s debut gets closer, divorce lawyers are getting nervous: divorce numbers are predicted to drop significantly. Mamitis was the third all-time reason for divorce, with Mujeriego syndrome and evil suegras coming in as first and second, respectively.
While these lawyers do have a reason to be worried, there is one shining light at the end of their tunnel: In order to receive the prescription, these men have to a) go to the doctor and b) admit they have a problem. These tasks are more easily said than done. “Women are not allowed to seek treatment for their husbands,” informs Dr. Rivera. “So any woman thinking she can just crush the medicine into her husband’s or boyfriend’s avena in the morning can forget about it.”
Doctors can officially begin prescribing the pill, Cortamamis, in May of this year, just in time for Mother’s Day.