Monogamy: love’s first commandment. The single person scoffs at it. Yet, everyone quickly becomes a devotee once they’re caught in Cupid’s bear trap. “When you’re in love,” the wrinkly folks say, “it’s time to settle down and do the right thing.”
But some modern philosophers have disagreed. “Monogamous marriage,” Friedrich Engels wrote, “comes on the scene as the subjugation of the one sex by the other.”
Feminist philosophers of the 20th century agreed, but they thought that the Marxists hadn’t gone far enough in exposing the oppression of women. Sex revolutionists blasted monogamy as one of the oldest and most ubiquitous forms of oppression, even arguing – as Catharine MacKinnon did – that sexuality itself was a form of sexism.
There’s not enough space for me to unravel feminist philosophy here. All I’ll say is that the names are well known – Mary Wollstonecraft, Simone de Beauvoir, Gayle Rubin, bell hooks – and their critiques are worth the read.
My view on monogamy is simple: No one who demands monogamy from another person can truly love that person.
Monogamy is a primordial custom that makes men the masters of women. It’s a prison we build for ourselves, or rather, a prison built by our precursors thousands of years ago; a prison passed down to us that we blindly maintain.
Monogamy in men springs from a childlike desire to hoard their toys. He tells others, “This is mine! And you can’t play with it even when I’m not around!” Generally, monogamy in men focuses on the physical; men just don’t want other people touching their stuff.
Monogamy in women comes from the slavish desire to be dominated. To be clear, no one is naturally a slave, but people can be made slaves through training. And the training and transformation of women into slaves has occurred over countless millennia. Thus, women cling to monogamy the way slaves cling to their masters – or the way some Muslim women cling to their burqas. Generations of women have been taught that “good girls” practice monogamy, and if they’re woman enough, their men will practice monogamy too. Generally, monogamy in women centers on the emotional; women hate being cheated on because they view it as an evaluation of their own worth.
Obviously, there’s a lot of grey area and overlap. In some sections of society today, the antiquated notions of masculine and feminine are increasingly disappearing. (They were made-up to begin with, so hakuna matata.)
Still, monogamy isn’t inherently evil. (A prison is not bad; it’s just a building.) But monogamy in its present-day form is dysfunctional. Many people see monogamy as a way of validating themselves, saying things like “I’ve never been cheated on,” as if that means something.
There are monogamous relationships that are also loving ones. Yet it’s the motivations for entering into a monogamous relationship which make it right or wrong. Monogamy is harmful when it’s meant to control someone physically and emotionally.
So if you feel as though you need monogamy in your relationships, maybe it’s you you should get to know, rather than the other person.
About Hector Luis Alamo, Jr.
How old are you and are you married, and for how long? These all help readers understand where you are coming from.
I disagree that monogamy is dysfunctional. When it is entered into with both parties agreeing it is not slavery or submission or anything negative.
In fact someone I know, and others I have read about, use “swinging” and open marriage as a way to remain married “for the kids sake” and to save money on daily living expenses while nursing along a negative and dysfunctional marriage, using the fling sexual encounters as a diversion and form of entertainment to distract from the problems in their marital relationship that they are not resolving. And when you think of THOSE cases open marriage is really sad and unhealthy seeming to me.
Monogamy is and always will be the best choice especially in regards to having a meaningful wholesome family life and to avoid the high risk of hiv/aids from living wild and promiscuous. Just a humble thought. ;o)
This is like a food editor writing an article about nuclear disarmament. Rubbish.
What a bunch of crock
I disagree with this roundly and in my mind, this attitude is rooted in emotional immaturity. Amigo- try to build a functional family based on solid principles while having multiple partners, and then come back and write about it. Let us know how it went. I doubt you will have much positive to share.
I’m going to disagree, I disagree for the following reasons – people CHOOSE monogamy because they love the other person, to have the physical act of love with someone else would HURT my spouse, and I care more for my spouse than my own physical needs and wants. People who don’t understand that usually strike me as vain and selfish. To be in a marriage you must humble yourself to each other and you give yourself completely only because you know the other person is doing the same and will do the same for you every day. I’m sorry but the writer doesn’t seem to be in touch with the himself, the latino community, the bible, marriage or a real relationship. All these things intertwine with each other. Until you can come to terms with living for something bigger than you, be it God, your spouse, etc, you will never know these truths. I hope one day you can because living without them is a sad and lonely place.
I think a lot people feel it is outdated cause there are a lot of people just sleeping with everyone. Hey people do what they want but some people are a bit overboard.
Monogamy is hard to do. That’s why no one wants to do it anymore. You can’t google it. There isn’t an application for it. In a world wrought with instant gratification, monogamy just doesn’t fit in. With that being said, not everyone is meant to be monogamous and other kinds of relationships can and do work well. But its worth a try.
Um…. What the…. Marriage is a form of owning. Henced putting the lastname of the man onto a woman. Henced in the Spanish, Italian culture they don’t have that.( thank goodness)
Monogamy is a created so there is no STDs… SMH
The article does make you think though. You may not agree with it but let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment. Why are we so sure monogamy is the way to go? Because we are told it is? Because we are ‘programmed’ by society that that is the right way to live? Now before you guys start an attack on the questions I asked, know first I am one for monogamy. Why would I want to share my partner with anyone else? This is MY choice. I have friends that are married and are swingers. Does their lifestyle choice of not being monogamous wrong? I don’t think so. Who am I to judge what is right or wrong for them? Better yet who has the right to say to any of use that our choices on how we want to live our life is wrong?
Personally, the only way i get down with monogamy anymore is if i’m with somebody who i have such a beautiful and healthy and fulfilling relationship and such positive communication and such a deep connection with that neither of us would ever even think about being with anyone else. Otherwise, i either stay solo or remain a free agent. i’m not gonna force a relationship to be or stay monogamous just because that is what is most encouraged in the world. Life is too short for that shit, and i don’t believe in flogging dead horses or in forcing square pegs into round holes.
There are many people who think and feel that marriage is a legal form of slavery.
It’s amazing how some people think they know it all when they go to college and take some gender or wymin’s “studies” classes. The mention of Freddy Engels was just the icing on the cake. This article actually made me feel happy – I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time and laughter is good for the soul. Thank you, I think.
@jessica Abalos – No, the bible , the latino community, the bible and ‘a marriage/real relationship) do not necessarily always intertwine.
To state that one is sad and lonely if they are not in a relationship is ridiculous. if the person is genuinely happy to be unattached, then good for them. A romantic relationship is not for everyone. Not everyone is built for marriage/long-term relationships.
Also, my parents have been happily married for over 30 years and neither god, the bible, or the latino community have anything to do with it.
I don’t judge a person’s lifestyle; I judge their motivations. You said you wouldn’t want to “share’ your partner. I’m only arguing that you should ask yourself why that is, why the love you share with them is founded on sole usage rights to their body.
No
Dude, why not just say it and be honest? You are really talkin bout swinging, promiscuity, open marriage and getting down and dirty, partner swapping, group sex, orgies..all that fun stuff. Yeah baby!
And that’s a valid question, I am possessive and jealous by nature. Am I proud of that? NO! Have I been working at that? Yes! I feel that if I have made the decision to be in a monogamous relationship with someone, it’s with them. Not others.
Mario, you’re making it sound very dirty and nasty and for most people it’s not like that. Again, you don’t have to agree with it but don’t knock it just because it’s not for you. Can I ask you something? Why do you always sound so angry? I’m just asking.
Wow some people really flipped over this one , bringing in the bible … Como q a algunos les quedo el Zapato !
Love does not come from monogamy, rather monogamy comes from love. You keep yourself to that one special person because you love them. If you can’t do that then stay by yourself instead of hurting someone you allegdely care for.
Amanda: First, you are what a critical reader should be.
Now, I would only point out that by saying you are “possessive and jealous by nature” (which I dare say we all are), you’re conceding the fact that you may be a slave to your nature. And by conceding the fact that you can’t control your possessive and jealous tendencies, you’re conceding the point that you cannot possibly be choosing monogamy; if you’re possessive and jealous but can’t help, monogamy already has its claws in you.
If you were to quell your possessive, jealous urges, you might feel different about monogamy. Kids are extremely possessive, but we still teach them to control their possessiveness and share. Just because a person feels strongly about something doesn’t justify the action that spawns from that emotion.
Notice also Hector, I never mention love when talking about being monogamous.
Am not angry. I am having a good time! Whatever two adults do in the privacy of their bed chamber and as long as no laws are broken and nobody gets hurt…go for it. The mention of Engels and sex should never go together btw. It just spoils the mood.
Moral of the story: don’t confuse sex and love. There should be a wall of separation between the two, conceptually speaking. You have sex with someone you love, but you also cook breakfast for them, buy them chocolates and flowers, or whatever. Breafast and chocolates have nothing to do with love.
Monogamy should be a token of love, not a requirement of it.
Who on earth wants to share their love or wants to get an STD from a chdater? God made Adam and Eve. He didn’t make Adam, Eve, Lashanda, Kathy, Yuka, or Marisol … just the two.
@ Mario: “swinging, promiscuity, open marriage and getting down and dirty, partner swapping, group sex, orgies..all that fun stuff.” hahaha, I love it. Whenever people attempt to rationalize mankind’s natural desire to sleep around they sound like college kids at a kegger who took semester of philosophy. All we need now is a bonfire and someone playing an acoustic guitar.
@ Hector: Play on player. You leave out a major if not the #1 reason why men, at least in my experience, demand monogamy from women. Pregnancy. Being asked, or God forbid tricked, into caring for a child that is not yours is unbearable for most men.
A few humble points, if I may:
An STD is a result of irresponsible behavior such as not using protection. It isn’t caused by the number of people you have sex with.
Making the decision to not participate in monogamy doesn’t mean you are out having sex with a dozen different people a week. And if it does, what happens between consenting adults is no one’s business.
Non-monogamy (I hate to use the term, because it perpetuates monogamy as normative behavior) isn’t necessarily about only sex. Sometimes people find themselves loving more than one person. Love isn’t like money — you don’t have a certain set amount of it to give; when you divide it among different people, they don’t get less than if you gave it all to one person.
It doesn’t matter how many people you’re sleeping with — if you and your partner(s) are at an understanding, IT’S NOT CHEATING.
Monogamy does not equal honesty. Most of the time it discourages honesty. If you are in a monogamous relationship and develop feelings for someone else, it is highly unlikely that you will share this with your partner. In fact, most people end up denying it to themselves. Repression is not noble or healthy. Honesty is. Honesty with others and with yourself. And if I have a partner, I want them to be self-aware, confident, and mature enough to handle my honesty and realize if I do have attraction for someone else, it doesn’t lessen my love for my partner. Quite the opposite — being able to share the most intimate parts of your emotions strengthens your connection and it much better proof of love than having someone’s genitals all to yourself.
Why are people so comfortable (for the most part) letting their monogamous partners connect with other people through conversation and other forms of non sexual interaction? If love isn’t about sex, isnt it possible to form an intimate connection with someone simply by sharing thoughts, emotions, dreams, and other deep subjects of conversation? Isn’t it possible to love someone because of their personality, the principles they value, their abilities, their character? Yet most people don’t try to control their partner in this way. But they place so much importance on their partner’s body. If this is the case,do you value the sexual aspect of the relationship more than the love you share? If you’re going to be jealous of anything (which I highly discourage) shouldn’t it be your partner’s mind, not her/his body?
Thanks for the post.