On a visit to Colombia years ago, I was talking with my cousin when he abruptly asked me, “Y porque no tuteas?” I had no idea what he meant. He explained that I always use the usted form, instead of the tú form. I shrugged my shoulders, “Ay, yo no se!” and kept talking.
This wasn’t the last I would hear of this. Years later, I was hired for a job in which I needed to speak Spanish on a daily basis, and was asked the same question by my co-worker. She said that usted was too formal and that I should try using the more casual tú form.
What a mess that was! I honestly tried, but my sentences ended up sounding ridiculous, (i.e. Usted sabes que te puede ir y mas tarde regresas…). People must’ve thought there was something wrong with me. Eventually, I gave up, but it took me a while to get my Spanish back to normal.
Why was it so hard for me to convert? I just wasn’t raised to speak that way. My family uses the usted form. In fact, they even use su merced which, incidentally, made my co-worker cringe with horror when I told her.
It all has to do with respect. Respect is a big deal in our culture, especially towards our elders. There’s nothing wrong with using either form, but some families take the respect thing quite seriously. In my house, it goes further than just usted and su merced. For example, when my mother calls out to me, I respond with “Señora?”. If I ever answered with “Que?”, you’d immediately hear chanclas smacking the floor at warp speed, followed by a quick Pop! as she slapped me on the mouth.
There are similar rules in other homes. For example, growing up with a Honduran best friend, I noticed that instead of saying “Señora” when her mother called, she’d respond with “Mande?”. Another tradition I’ve seen is the act of asking for “Bendicion” from your elders upon arriving or leaving a home.
These small acts of respect aren’t found in every Latino home, but I think their occurrence is based on a combination of two things: what country your family is from, and your level of assimilation. Each country has different customs and ways of addressing people, and if you or your parents were born here, I think you’re more likely to lose some of these customs over time.
As for myself, I will try to pass down the customs that I think are important and make sense in our changing world. I don’t think I’ll make my own kids answer me with “Señora,” but I’ll be damned if one of them ever answers me with “Que?”!
About Cindy Tovar
In my familia, it is “mande?” to our parents when they call out to us. No matter how old I get the formal response and use of “usted” is not overlooked. I use “tu” … for peers or younger people. Peers only if I know them well.
i generally use usted only with people over thirty or at church. i’m pretty sure the majority of dominicans don’t even know it exists.
Just to further stir it up a bit… I come from Uruguay and “usted” is also pretty formal, often used for elder people. Informally we use the form “vos” which is an old variant of “usted” but nowadays as I said is considered informal. I think they just use “tu” just in eastern Uruguay…
Then I’m pretty sure you’re wrong, Garrick. Generalizing much? Dominicans do address their elders by usted. Take it from me, born and raised. Leave prejudice in the space between your ears.
yo soy chicana, raised by parents with strong mexican roots. “mande” was mandator when called, you didn’t yell “what” across the house and then of course ud. for elders. we only spoke spanish at home, NO ingles so it worked. until my rebellious teens when “what” was thrown around. my mom killed that quickly, so back to respect it was until the day they died. i’m glad now for it now.
ps well written
I agree with Cesar. I was born in the Dominican Republic but was raised in the states & to this day I still address my elders with usted. We still ask for bendicion to our elders & they would respond “Dios te bendiga”, I raised my own kids that way & they in turn are raising theirs the same way. And it doesnt matter where you’re at to show respect & it is usually individuals who are much older than you like my parents & their friends who are much older than me that I would say usted instead of tu. Tu is more for individuals my own age or under.
well being of Honduran descent I can totally relate.. I address my elders with USTED, then one day my mom’s mother in law heard me refer to my mom as USTED and almost had a fit, she’s Cuban and asked “why on earth would you address your mom as USTED? I told her I was brought up that way, from then on I tried addressing my mom as TU but that didn’t last.. My kids on the other hand address me as TU and I don’t have a problem with it.. I think respect is very important but to me its more of a CONFIANZA issue to let my kids call me TU..
and that Dominican comment is way off… my best friend is Dominican and she always addressed her father as USTED and wouldn’t dare set foot outside the house without asking for bendicion from both her parents… it just depends on the way people as individuals bring up their kids..
Every family is different, it seems, and there’s no wrong or right. I think people have different levels of comfort and respect, and we carry them with us with each interaction.
I am cuban and we use ‘tu’ and ‘que’ and consider it no sign of disrespect; however, I have friends from all over latin america so when speaking to elders I always start off with ‘usted’ and feel it out to see what they prefer. I think that respect and comfort are mutually exclusive, you can RESPECT someone and still call them TU and you can disrespect them and call them USTED and you can be comfortable with someone and call them anything you like. To me is the same as cubans referring to the BUS as ‘wawa’ and south americans calling it ‘bus’.
I am an Elementary Dual Language teacher and just this morning I was addressing the difference between “usted” and “tú”. Some of them knew the difference, but most of them make me cringe a little when they address me with “tú”. I’m hoping that by the end of the school year they make “usted” part of their repertoire. I use usted with strangers, supervisors and of course my elders. I love that my daughter has adopted “señora” from her Colombian friend. In exchange, she has learned the use of “bendición” and uses it when she comes to our home. I LOVE this about our cultures.
As everybody comments, USTED is only used based on fear, we have learned this with some fajazos (cinturonazos) o nalgadas….
This is a shitty tradition, thats comes from colonial times, when everybody (but peninsulars) have grown with this inferiority complex.
Even for a lot of people, is REALLY HARD stop doing this and start with TUTEO, because is really attached to our brains.
Since my adolescence i’ve fought a lot to eliminate this from my own persona, even with disaproval of my whole family.
The using of titles with others (Doctor, Licenciado, etc…) is the same thing, because we put them in a higher position than us, and this is another aspect of the inferiority complex i mentioned before.
For the kids i meet, they show me respect when they use my name, thats all i need (i’m 30, a SEÑOR, jajaja).