Weekend News for the Monday Blues
U.S.-Cuba relations took center stage again this weekend when the Spanish prime minister called for an end to the U.S. trade embargo against Cuba, saying it “violates the basic rules of international trade.” President Obama immediately released this statement: “Can someone please tell the Spanish prime minister that I’m no longer talking to him now either?”
Fans of the Mexican national soccer team are upset after it was announced that Manchester United’s 23-year-old striker Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez will not be representing his home country in the 2012 Olympic games in London so that he can rest during the off-season and be fresh for Premier League play. In related news, a million fans’ girlfriends just said, “Huh?”
A Panamanian fisherman who survived 28 days adrift at sea after his boat sank in the Pacific Ocean is suing an American cruise company whose ship sailed past him during the ordeal. The captain of the ship has since apologized, explaining, “I thought the crew members were worried about some new weather pattern when they kept warning me about ‘El negrito.’”
This week, New York City begins instituting the controversial Secure Communities program, which forces local authorities to work in tandem with federal agents in apprehending and deporting undocumented residents. Many people are predicting a mass exodus of immigrants from Hell’s Kitchen – and every other kitchen in the city.
But Mayor Bloomberg’s doing what he can to make sure no one feels unwelcome, telling reporters, “For the Spanish-speaking New Yorkers: Todos son bien venados.”
A new law in Argentina allows citizens to change their legal gender without having to undergo a gender reassignment procedure. If you’re confused, it’s kind of like how, in the United States, citizens can choose to register as Republicans without having to get a lobotomy first.
A father in Joliet, Illinois, is in custody for burning his son’s face with an iron after he thought the boy had stolen a dollar from him. Police officers have confirmed the charges, adding that Tequemo Hernandez is being held for further questioning.
In Guatemala, archaeologists unearthed the oldest Mayan calendar ever found, dating the discovery to the early 9th century. To the delight of drunkards around the world, the calendar shows that Thirsty Thursdays actually begin about 10 hours earlier than previously thought.
Interestingly enough, the first day of every workweek on the tablet has been purposely scratched out, suggesting that even people living over a thousand years ago suffered from the dreaded Mondays… just like you.
Hope this helped.