Congratulations! You’ve made it to adulthood in your working-class neighborhood. The hard work and education paid off, and you decided to rent an apartment in the old barrio.
But as luck would have it, the neighborhood isn’t the same anymore. These people from somewhere else have moved in, and the place has begun to change. Where there once stood your favorite bodega there now stands an art gallery. The botanica on the block is now a Thai food place. These people come from many different races, but sure as hell are strange.
Now relax, young fellow. When making conversation with these newcomers, just rephrase or tell a white lie about how you spent your day and the hipsters will be inviting you out for bike rides and organic food in no time!
Here are some suggestions:
|What You Did||What Hipsters Will Be Impressed By|
|Became Unemployed||Took a year off to find yourself.
Explanation:Hipsters are just as broke as the rest of us. They just veil being out of work or lazy with the idea that they are somehow fulfilling a higher purpose.
|Went to Sunday Mass||Meditated at your local community spiritual center.
Explanation: Hipsters dislike prayer, like meditation and like proudly referring to themselves as “spiritual, not religious.” This is often in ignorance of the fact that prayer is a form of meditation and religion is inherently spiritual.
|Found an empanada in your refrigerator, dipped it in some old soy sauce||Discovered a recipe for a Sino-Mexican Fusion tapa.
Explanation: Hipsters like all things fusion, especially food. In fact, no matter how mundane something is, hipsters will be willing to pay three times the appropriate price for it.
|Spoke Spanish||Practiced a language you learned while studying abroad.
Explanation: Hipsters like references to studying abroad and learning a foreign language.
|Slept, hungover, on your buddy’s couch.||Couch-surfed at the loft of someone you met on Craigslist.
Explanation:Hipsters love Craigslist, and sleeping on strangers’ couches is their version of street cred.
|Drank||Drank a craft beer, or a homebrew.
Explanation:Nothing tickles the pretentious tongue of a hipster more than a beer that tastes exactly the same as one brewed by a heartless corporation, but was really made in some dirty guy’s basement.
|Sat on your ass, surfed the net.||Wrote Yelp! reviews.
Explanation: Hipsters love feeling a sense of purpose, and writing Yelp! reviews brings together eating, sitting on your ass, and feeling like you’ve stood for something. Sense of purpose indeed.
|Dressed unprofessionally to work.||Dressed creatively to work.
Explanation: For most of us, going to work means putting on some sort of professional business attire. For hipsters, professional business attire usually means a creative t-shirt, and some sort of odd accessory. So if anyone asks why you are wearing sunglasses and short shorts to your job as a funeral director, tell them not to cramp your creativity.
||Didn’t let society dictate the length of your hair.
Explanation: For some reason, despite notbeing Amish farmers or Hasidic Jews, hipsters tend to think it’s acceptable to wear a full, scraggly beard to work.