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The enemies of love, part ten: Lack of self esteem

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Getty Images

Your self-esteem is a continual reflection of what you think about yourself on the inside and what you do on the outside.

Self esteem issues can derail a relationship fast. It can also keep a relationship from happening altogether. Usually when someone has self esteem issues, it affects their everyday interaction with people. And some of the characteristics could be a red flag to others that you have some issues that they don’t want in their lives.

What are some self esteem issues?

1. People Pleaser: Do you subsume your own desires, feelings and thoughts to others? Perhaps you don’t believe that you are worthy to express yourself and get your own needs met.

2. Jealousy: Perhaps you don’t think you are worthy of another’s love and devotion, and believe that your lady will cheat on you given any opportunity.

3. Anger: You might strike out at others first because you think they will eventually strike out at you.

4. Cold and distant: You may believe that you are not worthy of intimacy…that if another person knew what you were like inside, they would run away.

5. Physical or verbal abuser: This is often times passed down from parents. You feel that you must be such a bad person that the abuse is deserved.

6. Rejecter: You reject others first before they can learn about you and reject you.

7. Defined by work: Your job defines you as a person, and if your job goes away, you lose your identity.

8. Focus on the past: “If I had only…” and “If I only had…” show deep dissatisfaction and a reluctance to live in the present.

9. Negative self-talk: Most of the unhappiness in our life comes because we listen to ourself more than we talk to ourself.

10. Addictions: Feelings of worthlessness take over once an addiction happens, which feed the addiction more. You spiral downward.

How to overcome negative self-esteem:

• Forgiveness – you must work on forgiving yourself and others. Holding grudges keeps YOU captive, not others. They’re living their lives while you’re all tied up. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Others make mistakes too. Move on with your life.

• Self-talk – Your mind hears the things you say about yourself and works to fulfill what you say. So in order to reprogram your mind, you MUST speak positive, affirming words OUT LOUD so your ears can hear your own voice. Record yourself saying these words of personal forgiveness and hope and play them over and over.

• People associations – The old saying is “Lie down with the dogs, get up with the fleas.” You cannot hang with negative people and not get negative yourself. If you have negative friends, put some distance between you and them.

Over time, you can overcome bad self-esteem. You might benefit from some counseling with a professional such as a pastor or psychologist. They can be very helpful.

People with low self-esteem cannot become Great Lovers. Change yourself!!


For more articles by Russ Longcore, go to Russ Longcore’s Blog

About Adriana Villavicencio

Dr. Adriana Villavicencio is the youngest child of Ecuadorian immigrants. She has moved 29 times in her life, taking her on a journey from California to Bangalore, India, and New York City, where she recently earned a Ph.D. in Education Leadership and works as a Research Associate at New York University. An avid traveler, Adriana has collected experiences in four different continents and 16 different countries. But as a former high school English teacher, some of her fondest memories are those of her brilliant and brilliantly funny students in Brooklyn and Oakland. Adriana has contributed to several publications including the Daily News and, and is a managing editor for the Journal of Equity in Education. She earned a B.A. in English and an M.A. in English Education at Columbia University, and currently serves on the board of Columbia’s Latino Alumni Association (LAACU). She enjoys scary movies with red vines, Sauvignon Blanc, and her Maltese dog, Napoleon.

To learn more about Adriana’s education consulting company, please visit

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.

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