Photo: GettyImages
Pigs are flying. This was the password for my bridal registry. I got married “late in life” and while this was not a point of anxiety for me, I noted with some amusement that my nuptials were of considerable relief to my parents who had been worried that I would languish alone without the protection of a man.
They kept their worries to themselves while I was struggling on my own, career path firmly in place, a world-class education behind me. Despite my being happy, my parents were unable to shake their concerns that without a husband, I would become a sad spinster. Thankfully, they did not constantly share their concerns with me, as is the case with many Latina women who are often plagued with well-meaning familial badgering.
There is a persistent stigma that follows many women: despite their levels of education, career options, social stability and happiness, if unmarried, a woman is less stable and secure in the eyes of many people. Perhaps this is a remnant of an ingrained mentality, developed when the options for women outside the home were limited. Too often, feminism, the rise of women’s educational attainment, and the increasing numbers of women in the work force, have yet to make a comprehensive and permanent imprint on the minds of many who still see social security embodied in a male form.
Then there’s the “baby question.” Reminiscent of a time when a woman’s value was closely tied to her ability to produce offspring, as it still is in many cultures around the world, the thought that a woman might not want to bear children seems at worst like a dangerous act of rebellion and at best a sad fate for a lonely woman. The biological ability to bring life has in many ways determined the role of women in the world, a concept known as biological determinism. After the birth of my first child, my mother commented to me that now I could feel like a “real” woman. I was unaware that I had been walking around, wooden in my existence, like Pinocchio.
So how should an intelligent, educated, career minded woman respond to these intrusions? With a smile. And a zinger.
Q: “Why haven’t you found a husband yet”?
A: I knew there was something I forgot to do! What with studying for my degree and setting up my self empowering and fulfilling career, I just forgot to find that man!
Q: “When are you two getting married”?
A: You know, we were having so much fun being happy and enjoying our romance, we forgot to throw caution to the wind and enter the lottery of “who will get divorced after marrying too hastily”
Q: “When are you going to have children”?
A: I will get right on that! As soon as I am ready to commit to losing sleep, peace of mind, personal freedom and a significant portion of my income.
If all else fails, wear the single badge proudly and remember: mejor sola que mal acompañada.
About Maitri Pamo
hell yeah we do, even if people don’t want to admit to it and be as bold about it as they used to be in the past.
Only if you let the stigma apply to you
I believe not.
What a great piece! Familismo and marianismo prob contributes to that extra pressure Latinas might feel to make a family and sacrifice thier own non-family related goals and dreams. I for sure say, “que se vayan to’ pa’l cara!0… Mejor sola que mal acompañada!”. Indeed! I do want it all, just not all at once… And right now it’s about becoming “Dr. Haddock” before becoming becoming “Maaammmiiii!”.
Right on! ^. I laughed when I read your comment. My 2 year old often calls me doctor mami.
I am a littke confused at Ms. or Mrs. Palomo’s comment…sometimes people do not have control of a stigma.it is a societal thing. We can be successful all we want in other areas life but there is no denying that there is more pressure in the Latin/Hispanic community to start a family at a young age.
Do you mean me? (NEVER Mrs!!). What comment?
Oh I see… Not me
It’s not really a bad thing though. In American culture there is a negative stigma on people who start a family young. It’s a person’s prerogative, but you will never please everyone. To each their own.
The real stigma on Latin women is that the majority of them are single mothers.
The majority of Latinas are not single mothers.
@ Tim: where are you getting this statistic? I don’t think the majority are single mothers. Cite your source, or is this a bias?
It definitely is in the latin community. I’m 29, single, and with no kids. My mom bothers me about it and other family members too. I can only imagine how it’s going to be when I go to DR. I haven’t been there in over 10 years and cousins who are younger than I are married with children.
I really like those answers. I’m gonna try it next time they ask
@ Tim and Maitri .I don’t know the statistics but from what I see in my neighborhood it certainly FEELS to me like the majority are single mothers. I am single with no children and almost everyone I meet from 20′s up to mid 30′s are single moms. I’m not meeting these women at daycares so either that’s a really big coincidence on my part or the odds are not in my favor. Does any one know the actual statistics?
I am not married, nor will I ever be…I am happy the way things are…50% of ALL marriages end in divorce these days…I dont care what anyone has to say about it…its my life and I do what makes ME happy!!!…So let them talk or whisper as I walk by…im used to haters…people will ALWAYS talk…usually the ones that do are the same ones crying because their husbands dont come home…or beats them..or whatever else they try to hide from the world..all for a cheap ass ring that I can buy for myself……with better taste…..lol…marriage is NOT everything or anything to me…i get all the benefits of a wife except i dont have to cook or clean for them…lmao!!!
Yes, yes, and yes…. and then the married guys hit on us!