It’s not true that every little girl dreams of being a Mom. I personally know quite a few women who have no desire to have children, now or ever. I’m not one of them, but sometimes I envy their certainty. Not wanting to be a Mom would make my current situation easier to accept. See, somewhere along the way, despite my every intention to transform from “Hey, mira Mami” to being a Mommy (not that Mommies can’t also be Mamis), I got stuck somewhere in between, in no-man land (not to be confused with no man’s land).
I’m a Latina and grew up in the Mormon religion. There was never any doubt that I was being groomed for the Mommy-track, and I bought into it. I knew in my heart of hearts that I’d be married by the time I was 22 and would soon after become a baby factory, producing enough children to make up a sports team. It didn’t happen, hasn’t happened. I blame it partly on the fact that I was born with the inability to be flirtatious, to be impressed. I could be wrong. Regardless of why, here I am. In my 40s, about to become an aunt for the 11th time, and still no children of my own to speak of. Trying to resign myself to the fact that I veered way too far from the mommy track to get back.
So what do you do when you’re not part of the world of Moms? I wrote about this some time ago, but then, still thinking the situation would change, I focused on how to deal with others as a temporary fix until joining them in parenthood. Today is different, today it’s about those of us who wanted children, and the inevitable emotions that come when it begins to look as if we may have to accept that we won’t have them.
To my childless hermanas, or even hermanos, I offer these tips.
Be emotional
Not having the life you dreamed of isn’t easy when you don’t understand why. It’s okay to ask “why not me?”. It’s okay to feel some resentment. It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to let yourself cry as long as it’s all done in moderation and in doses. There will be moments in your life that will trigger all of these, and masking the hurt and confusion doesn’t help anyone, least of all you.
Be thankful
When you’re not feeling all of the emotions of not being a parent, you can see that being childless isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it allows for a certain amount of freedom. Job and life permitting, you can stay up all night and sleep all day, travel at a moment’s notice, move to your dream city, etc… Your life is solely yours.
Be an alternate Mom (Dad)
Being a parent to someone is more than just giving birth. It’s about nurturing, guiding, and providing. There are many ways to do this. If you’re an aunt or uncle, you can be there for nieces and nephews. You can volunteer in programs like Big Brothers/Big Sisters, tutor, mentor, the opportunities are as endless as the kids that need your help. If it’s possible, you can also go as far as being a foster or adoptive parent
Just Be
The best advice is to just be. Live your life, do what makes you happy each day. Be a contributing member of society and don’t allow yourself or anyone else to make you feel that not being a parent is the be all, end all of life. We all have our own life’s path to follow. Sometimes all you can do is, keep it moving!
Photo credit: Yoshi Aka
About Libby Juliá-Vázquez
I absolutely adore this article.
I’m 44 and not a mom, either. Not because we didn’t try–it just wasn’t meant to be, I suppose. I enjoy my nieces and nephews. I know it isn’t the same, but it isn’t suppose to be, right? Being Tia Toni is good enough for me.
We, non moms , get lots of questions and accusations ranging from WHY NOT? Are you that selfish ??? Truth is NOT everyone is destined to be a mom , the more women that realize that , the better off we’d be ! But that’s a whole other story ! Dont get me wrong , i truly love kids … Proof is in how I treat my nephews and friends kids ! …
Dont need a big hole. Dont need stretch marks. Dont need stress. That’s why God gives us nephews and neices! Besides look how many are moms and made terrible kids who don’t help any society move forward. Look how many were unwillingly turned into moms by one night stand club flings wannabe Wisin y Yandel copycats and proven deadbeats. Completely overrated.
Great article. As a mom I love and respect the women that choose not to or can’t have children. It doesn’t change who they are and being a mom doesn’t change who I am either. Both should be treated with respect. Luckily we live in a country where we are allowed to make our own decisions about children.
Don’t know about the big “HOLE” thing but some have vig holes and haven’t given birth…Big Hearts, YES!
Good article. Thanks for posting!
I’m one of those women who have been trying and trying for a long time (more than 8 years now) , had a few miscarriages, and after years of tests and physical examinations, no explanation for why it hasn’t happened yet (i’m perfectly healthy). Infertility played a huge part in my recent divorce. I’m young enough that it still could happen, but hasn’t so far.
It’s incredibly difficult to be childless when all you want in life is to be a mommy. It’s even harder when as the years go by more and more of your friends have their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th children and you’re still at zero. I get that motherhood is NOT for every woman, and people who don’t want kids shouldn’t have them. With Mother’s Day approaching, a lot of women like me end up feeling alienated and incredibly jealous and sad of our mommy friends and family members.
Stephanie–been there. The emotional toll on one’s psyche and one’s marriage can be devastating. I realized I had to go through a grieving process for a child that never was. It is still hard when I hear of a cousin or in-law who is pregnant. It was pretty hard 7 years ago when almost every woman in the office I worked at was having their first child while my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. It feels like you’re not going to be part of an exclusive club. What is strange is that if I go to a baby shower, if someone asks me if I have kids and I say “No” or “No, we couldn’t have any.”, it is like a big curtain comes down between me and the other person.
had a stillborn n stuck w strech marks for nothing.
Why does everyone always assume its the woman that is infertile ?? Men want women to subject themselves to every test .. Do they !? Usually not because it’s a dent to their man status if it’s their fault !
Laura.. because babies come from women’s bodies.. that’s probably why women blame themselves and people assume it’s her “fault” if she can’t conceive. (and only about 40% of the time it is male factor infertility.. so more often than not it is something to do with the woman)
Still.. blaming is a silly thing to do in cases of infertility.. it’s really nobody’s “fault” unless it’s intentionally caused somehow or caused by lifestyle choices.
Be thankful you’re not a parent.