by El Guapo
Photo: Sarunyu_foto
…Like the Hulk, you wouldn’t like them when they’re angry…Also, like the Hulk when enraged, greenverguenzas grunt loudly and throw (biodegradable) things with total disregard.
When you consider the oft-quoted truism “necessity is the mother of invention” and you factor in a sinverguenza’s essentially boundless (nonexistent really) moral compass, you quickly see why sinverguenzas have pioneered the green revolution, pushing limits to where others wouldn’t dare (and probably shouldn’t, to be quite honest).
And since they can be counted on to place conventional thinking gently to one side (usually right onto the railroad tracks) in favor of the radical, the unusual, and the downright weird, it is not surprising that human history is speckled with sinverguenzas at the extremes of all major trends and movements-including being ecologically conscious. Say what you will about them, but many are found on the cutting edge of all human endeavors. Yes, sometimes they fall off the edge and plummet to their sinverguenza deaths like stupid duped buffalo – but all progress comes with a price, and quite frankly better them than the rest of us.
They are avant-garde. They are innovators. They are iconoclasts. They break molds (and then, of course, point accusingly at the person next to them). And they just might be our only hope…
Notable Greenverguenza Moments
To the dismay of their neighbors, Sinverguenzas piled rotting garbage in their yards far before it was in vogue and we began calling it compost. (Truth be told, it was merely to save the trip all the way across the yard to the trashcans…but nonetheless).
Paper or plastic? Sinverguenzas were the first to do away with wasteful shopping bags…(does it matter that they were holding the canned ham under their skirts, between their knees, and trying to slink out of the store unnoticed? Mother Earth doesn’t think so).
Smart Cars – A lovelorn, accidental greenverguenza conjured up this eco-friendly idea after a long romantic dry spell. The logic: if the car is the size of a shoebox, there’s gonna be some knee bumping- if you know what he’s talking about, cochino. Just getting in the car gets you to second base. Gotta like those odds.
Ancient Aztec markings clearly reveal the origin of carpooling. One sketch in particular displays a sole, panicked tribeswoman (a greenverguenza foremother) hurriedly loading up her entire extended family into a small dug out canoe like some towering stack of pancakes. In the scene’s background a bearded Spaniard holds out a blanket with fleas leaping from it. Coward? Maybe. Environmentalist? Possibly. Survivor? A huevo. Leap forward and watch her modern greenverguenza descendants cram 15 adults and 4 children into a Ford Focus. Mother Earth smiles as the car’s shocks groan.
TOP GREENVERGUENZA TIPS
But, Guapo, I hear Mother Earth shrieking (or is that Al Gore?). How can I possibly hope to become a greenverguenza?
El Guapo finds Mother Nature to generally be a hissing nag…”Oh, my beaches”, “My ice caps are melting”, “Stop driving your enormous SUV through my forests and running over raccoons”, “Stop feeding the birds at the park bread packed with tiny shards of glass”, etc. etc. Well, it ain’t easy being green, but here are some suggestions for making your shameless world a little greener…
Cancel all bills. Yes, electronic bills save paper, but canceling bills altogether makes you greener than Kermit. Don’t cancel the goods and services, just let folks know you no longer want the bill that follows-in any form. It saves paper, electricity (since you don’t have to check your email for bills), and your anxiety-all finite resources.
Stop hurling your old batteries at the neighborhood dogs & children and, instead, dispose of them properly.
Wear less clothing. Sinverguenzas have known this forever – the less you wear, the less energy and fewer resources are necessary to make your clothing. This is why many sinverguenzas wear Daisy Dukes to church.
Plant a garden – but, in all honesty, true greenverguenzas prefer one very particular type of leafy green.
Stop printing out your dirty joke emails at work. This also might keep you from getting fired.
Try organic cleaning products – like your own saliva. Doesn’t get more natural than spit.
Stop kicking trees with your steel-toed boots when you go on walks. You can almost hear them cry.
Just because the weather doesn’t cooperate, refrain from spraying Aquanet at the skies and shaking your fists angrily.
It would appear that red meat consumption leaves a massive carbon footprint, so cook your food until it is no longer red. Problem solved. Wasn’t that easy?
Promote alternative energy, particularly wind power, by strapping a windmill and a turbine to your gassy friend’s butt and harnessing all the energy you can.
Your handsome and humble servant-
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