Photo By Frank Montanez
“It sounds great, but what about those of us who already have an advanced case?” responded one anonymous douchebag while simultaneously texting his friend and blasting the newest dub step club hit. Researchers at University of Phoenix say that they might be one step closer to eliminating douchiness altogether. After inoculating the offspring of douchebag lab mice, it appears that none of the treated mice have developed douchy traits like:
- pride in being an idiot
- intense egocentrism
- a laughable overestimation of their likability, intelligence, and overall human worth
- lack of basic empathy marked by things like enjoying other people’s misfortune and/or bathing in cheap cologne
- wearing of tigers or other large cats on clothing
- wearing multiple rings on every finger, including thumbs
“What are those d***-faced brainy scientists doing about that? I know they’re not getting laid because they don’t have a life and s***, so WTF already.” (Yes, this douchebag spelled out the acronym — another douchebag marker.)
Some experts have said that their efforts to create a vaccine rather than an outright cure makes more sense. One expert explained, “The human brain blazes synaptic paths according to the activities we engage in the most. Olympic athletes who train for hours on end quickly carve neural pathways related to their practice. Douchebags, however, have engaged in douchy behavior for so long, that it seems impossible that a simple pill will ever solve it.
One University of Phoenix researcher added, “Douchebaggery is the polio of our generation. In order to eradicate it, we must focus on those we can save — the children. The children of douchebags are the most at risk as they are both genetically predisposed and are inevitably raised in an extremely douchy environment. It’s both nature and nurture.
“Additionally, we have found that the douchebag population is predominantly male. I mean, you have guys wearing V-necks that droop all the way to their studded belts. You got …um… Charlie Sheen. Then, of course, there’s anyone who wears a bow-tie. There’s the ironic douchebags with stupid mustaches. There are those who spend hours at the gym looking at their pecs. There are the douchebags who like obscure music and look appalled that you don’t know who The Panda Ejaculates are. Politicians. Angry internet commenters. Mitt Romney. John Mayer. John Mayer’s cat, Cinnamon. The list goes on.”
Once the vaccinations go into effect, it is difficult to foresee who will hold public office (or watch professional wrestling). Many postulate that Washington will eventually go eerily quiet.
Your handsome and humble servant -
El Guapo
El Guapo writes The Daily Refried, and is, without question, the foremost authority on all things sinvergüenza. Follow him on Facebook or Twitter @TheDailyRefried.
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Too funny! I know some children that would benefit from this vaccine. Without it, they stand very little chance of not being afflicted.
LOL very funny I need several boxes of that vaccine to give to some ppl at my job and the past few dates that have bombed dont forget to send a whole bunch to romney and ryan
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