The moment that the news of a Jersey Shore pregnancy was announced, Being Latino sent out an investigative news team to bring you the undercover scoop. As with any other hard hitting news story, there is more than meets the eye.
Initial reports indicated that “The Situation” was not pleased with the announcement. Witnesses have come forward to state that he believes he is the father of Snookie’s baby, claiming that his sperm are of the time-release variety, and don’t get women pregnant until months after relationships are over. Maury Povich has already offered his services, for a DNA test, and will be airing the results on the Jumbotron in Times Square. The Situation has been hustled off to “rehab” by MTV executives pending the birth of the child to keep him from stalking Snookie.
The latest civil service newsletter shows that managers at New Jersey’s child protection agency are jumping for joy with the news of the pregnancy. Apparently they are bored with the real-life scenarios they have been using to train new case managers and are busy writing an entire training curriculum around the Jersey Shore child. They fear that the Hollywood treatment of the irresponsible behavior exhibited on the show will set off copycat behaviors.
The youngsters on “16 and Pregnant” are now complaining. They were under the impression that they were in charge of getting pregnant, while the Jersey Shore people were in charge of getting drunk and falling down. They are considering a contract rider that will keep the other Jersey Shore stars from procreating until after the series finale. They claim that they are doing this to protect their brand.
The pregnancy also has marketers chomping at the bit to create new products. Pampers has developed a bedazzled diaper, for parents who believe their child’s poop doesn’t stink. Johnson & Johnson has expanded their line of baby hair gel and is currently testing a line of baby lotion with self tanner. There is also word of a prototype baby stroller, made to look like an SUV, and built to hold mother and child, with the appropriate bottle holders.
An ultrasound tech has come forward, under condition of anonymity, to say that they have not been able to hear a heartbeat yet. All they can hear is, “April Fool!”