Mitt Romney and Ricardo Santorum continued their forbidden dance for the Republican presidential nomination as each recently spent time trying to convince Puerto Ricans that he was the least despicable option.
During their time on the island, both candidates worked tirelessly to leave a lasting impression. According to many, Romney seemed to have been more successful in being remembered.
He wasted no time. Immediately after his plane touched down, Romney looked at those who had gathered on the tarmac to greet him – a group that including local media, high ranking politicians, and notable businesspeople – and promptly said, “I’m sorry. This is unexpected. I didn’t bring enough cash to tip all of you, but if you let me get to an ATM I can get you all a ‘tip-o’. You know, ‘dinero’?” He then rubbed his forefinger and thumb together and smirked.
At every stop Romney tossed his keys to the nearest Puerto Rican, and trotted off with his monocle and top hat:
Many perplexed island residents stood dumbfounded after they were mistaken for valets. A local university professor corrected mister Romney and returned the keys. Romney apologized profusely and then handed the keys to a toddler standing nearby.
After a week of Santorum and Romney – one notable pro-statehood supported summed her feelings up this way “On second thought, fuck statehood.”
Your handsome and humble servant-