The Daily Refried Research Team, armed with clip boards, number two pencils, a dozen rotary phones, and 108 available hours of AOL dial-up internet, conducted an extensive study to determine the electability of Mitt Romney.
The findings were startling to say the least.
Participants were given pairs of things (scenarios, objects, medical conditions, etc.) generally accepted as “very undesirable” and asked to select the most desirable of the two. For instance, participants had to choose between things like public speaking and chlamydia; anal leakage and living in Arizona; food poisoning and looking at Rush Limbaugh’s face for an extended period of time.
Each participant’s reaction times and blood pressure was carefully monitored and logged. The double-blind study unearthed the following conclusive results:
- Having Mitt Romney as president is a less desirable option than contracting leprosy.
- Having Mitt Romney as president is a less desirable option than suffering from explosive diarrhea at an all-white party.
- Having Mitt Romney as president is a less desirable option than having one’s eyelids cut off and being fed nothing but sleeping pills.* (scenario courtesy of The Wu-Tang Clan)
- Having Mitt Romney as president is a less desirable option than being forced to remove Rush Limbaugh’s anal warts with your teeth. (Although, to Mitt’s credit, this was a close one)
Upon reviewing the results of the study, the Romney campaign was encouraged by the fact that, among men, Mitt Romney as president was a more desirable option than having their reproductive organs go through a wood chipper. (*The results, however, were within the study’s margin of error, and thus inconclusive.)
Your humble and handsome servant-