We are in the last days of the time of year that can strike fear into the hearts of even the most rugged individual. It’s tax time!
‘Tis the season for frustration, moaning and gnashing of teeth. And it is as inevitable as a sunrise that a cursory search of Facebook statuses will yield a significant number of folks who lament how we pay too much in taxes, how the money goes towards useless initiatives, and how supposedly millions of freeloaders are responsible for it all.
Wow! What a crisis we have on our hands. Freeloaders, useless services… What are we to do? An investigation is warranted. Let’s examine some of those useless services.
Roads: Yep, don’t need those. Walking or running for great distances is an underrated activity. And alas, your journey may eventually end in love.
Schools: Oh, those snotty elites and their love for knowledge. Curse them and their institutions of snobbery.
Hospitals: Rub some Vicks on it, and you’ll be fine.
Police and Fire Departments: Let us simply settle our differences with an epic rap battle. And I’m sure most folks own a garden hose.
Clean Water: How much harm can a little lead do? Just run the water through a colador and it’s all good. Have some Bustelo handy while you’re at it.
The list of useless amenities goes on and on.
But, of course, they pale in comparison to the billions upon billions of immigrants who have gathered in a secret conference and devised a nefarious plot to gleefully break the laws of the United States and take our country’s most valuable jobs and resources. Or the billions of Latinos and Black citizens who are using welfare money and food stamps to buy a Mercedes Benz with 24-inch platinum rims!
Pay no attention to those inconvenient facts that clearly show how absurd these claims are, given that nearly 9 out of 10 Blacks and Latinos receive no welfare at all.
And by all means, ignore the fact that the United States has some of the lowest tax rates in the entire world. All of those other countries are merely socialist, fascist, Marxist, collectivist, Nazi, communist, Kenyan republics…at the same time!
Let us also ignore the fact that nearly six times more tax dollars go towards defense spending compared to educational initiatives. I thought I already told you that schools were for elitist snobbery.
Instead, folks, let us imagine a utopian paradise that could have only been dreamt up by the likes of Ron Paul and Ayn Rand, where all of us are simply rugged individualists who abide by a mantra of “every man for himself,” and where no bootstrap is too long for us to pull ourselves up by. Let us gleefully return to the good ole days of 1954, when the average marginal tax rate was as high as 91 percent, and when many of our marriages would have been against the law.
Oh wait…that actually kinda sucks.