On March 29, after barely winning a 60-40 vote in the Senate, a bill introduced by House Republicans was passed by Congress that grants probationary statehood to the island of Puerto Rico.
Cheers on the island quickly turned to outrage, however, as Puerto Ricans began learning about the actual terms of their new status.
Taking its cue from Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum, one term requires the island to declare English as its one and only official language. The section reads:
“In keeping with the founders’ intention to establish an English-speaking nation, all territories hereto granted statehood in the United States, whether previously incorporated or no, must declare English as its first and only official language.”
The other contentious requirement – much more derisive than the first – requires the island to adopt the traditional, Anglicized name “Porto Rico.” The bill cites the phonetic Anglicization of former Spanish territories-turned-states, such as Colorado, Montana, Florida and New Mexico. The passage reads:
“In considering that the indigenous appellation “Puerto Rico” may be too difficult for most English tongues, the aborigines living there must opt to change the name of the island to the territory’s original and more convenient American designation ‘Porto Rico.”
While estadistas (“Porto Ricans” favoring statehood) expressed dismay over the nature of the terms, many seemed generally satisfied with the conditions. “It’s a small price to pay for inclusion into the greatest nation in the world,” NPP Governor Luis Fortuño told reporters on the steps of the Capitol Building.
Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich immediately came out of in favor of the move, criticizing Porto Ricans for speaking a “language of the colony.”
There were some politicians who voiced opposition to the bill.
Luis Gutiérrez, known for his rousing speeches in defense of Saul Alinksy socialism and Porto Rican self-determination, seemed confused while delivering his address from the House floor, asking questions like “Where am I?” and “What century is this?”
Besides minimal opposition to the bill, studies indicate that America may need some time acquainting itself to its newest state.
A report published by the Mofongo Institute showed that when asked to find Porto Rico on the map, 8 out of 10 Americans pointed to either Africa or the Bronx.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck blamed the results on a recent scarcity of maps in the United States, saying that the results were “clear proof that Rand McNally is in cahoots with the liberal media.”
In a surprising move, the socialist island nation of Cuba – just 90 miles south of the Florida coast – has also petitioned the United States for probationary statehood. For months the Castro regime has been complaining that the iconic 1950s cars that clog the streets of Havana are really hurting Cuban wallets at the pump. But some Cuban affairs analysts see the gesture as an attempt by Cuban officials to get their hands on the Chevy Volt.
When asked whether he was willing to give up the dream of a socialist Cuba, Raul Castro responded, “What can I say? It looked good in theory.”
About Hector Luis Alamo, Jr.
Nice one. Funny stuff. Especially throwing in Independence nonsense. No one of the island takes them seriously. They are like the US Green Party big with college kids, celebrities, and old socialist.
Btw, i’ve noticed that if someone on the mainland claims to be Boricua you can tell how much they know about the island by the way they pronounce Puerto. Those who know next to nothing about being Puerto Rican but the yearly parade pronounce it Porto or Po’. Those who have lived on the island or know of its history pronounce it properly as Puerto (with variations as to how the r is pronounced).
Thats bullsht. PortoRico? Fk outta here. There are americans out here like myself that are going to be outraged so be prepaired for Puerto Ricans to fight back
You almost had me. LOL.
Hell no Congress shouldnt be near Puerto Rico it is self-governed and it should stay that way. Yo soy Boriqua Hasta La Muerte que no se precupen por mi isla somos mejor sin ustedes.
Hector, tip of my hat to you hermano! Great job!
Now I just feel like its my duty to inform fellow Boricuas who fell for this…….a referendum on the status of the island will be held in Puerto Rico on 6 November 2012.There will be two questions: The first question will ask voters whether they prefer the status quo or a change in status, while the second questions asks whether voters would prefer independence, statehood or free association in the case of a status change.
Take this article as a nudge to keep yourself truly informed about homeland you love so much!
This was an epic pre-April Fool’s Day bit. Had me going for a minute. The lame-stream media would’ve been all over this, though. So I knew it wasn’t real. Excellent depiction of Newt, too. Nice work lol.
what a shame
Free PR
LOL!!!
that is ridiculous mistake…our homeland ain’t ready for all that…people need to learn to leave well alone
hte only reason ill change the name is to change back to borinken… if not no thanx..!!!!! lol
PUERTO RICO***
It’s Puerto Rico not Porto Rico! wtf!!!
Ask Hawaii what happens. First thing is lose the language, next the culture.
Too difficult to pronounce? Are the people that stupid? PUERTO RICO!!
Is this BS real? Wtf! Take out the Rico too then… call it Porto Land. A*holes.
Um obviously they need to spend more time learning at least how to write PUERTO RICO*
such a shame-we have to keep fighting this..
Please.please tell me this is an early April Fools joke!!!!
is it April Fool’s Day?
Finally!!!! Hope this will help financially and enhance my parents island.
Ugh. Seriously…what century is this? Ridiculous. And Newt Gingrich is an idiot.
April Fools!!!
It us the united states shipping port.. that’s what they trying to say.. relax people they cannot change the name lol
Is*
Jajajajajaja
It looks like they are trying to get a bit of Puerto Rico’s culture taken just so they can be a state. I’m not liking that idea. Porto Rico? I think that’s so ridiculous I mean come on anyone can say Puerto. That’s kind of an insult on Puerto Ricans and the Spanish language.
It looks like they are trying to get a bit of Puerto Rico’s culture taken just so they can be a state. I’m not liking that idea. Porto Rico? I think that’s so ridiculous I mean come on anyone can say Puerto. That’s kind of an insult on Puerto Ricans and the Spanish language.
I guess Puerto Rico is difficult to pronounce and spell but people enjoy OUR BENEFITS. IGNORANCE is a desease for these type of people.
I guess Puerto Rico is difficult to pronounce and spell but people enjoy OUR BENEFITS. IGNORANCE is a desease for these type of people.
Sounds ridiculous
Sounds ridiculous
Relax…This is obviously a joke.
Relax…This is obviously a joke.
The tags on the bottom say april fools jokes. Common people
Je-Je-Je! Now that’s a good one, hence the hmmm on FB.Gotta read them tags you know. April Fools!!
NO FREAKIN WAY PUERTO RICO IS THE CORRECT WAY TO SPELL IT AND THE WAY ITS GONNA REMAIN BORIQUA TILL DA DEATH OF ME FIRST U WANNA CHANGE OUR LANGUAGE AND NOW U WANNA CHANGE OUR NAME U CAN KICK ROCKS.
Change the name, the official language, wtf!?!? Next our culture, NO!!!
yes puertoricans shuld learn English but I think is insulting to change Puerto Rico for porto Rico…Puerto Rico is our Indian name and it shuld not be change.
I was about to start calling Chuck Schumer (not that Gillibrand would’ve helped much).
What made it real were the two stipulations and the statistic that 8 out of 10 people couldn’t find Porto Rico (they should’ve spelled it Rick-o) on a map. These could be closer to the truth than most people realize.
The Castro comment was a bit lame considering the effort they put into the article.
Hilarious. But my wife – who is a middle school teacher – is not sure whether the following is satire or actual fact…sadly her students probably couldn’t t find P.R. on a map either: “A report published by the Mofongo Institute showed that when asked to find Porto Rico on the map, 8 out of 10 Americans pointed to either Africa or the Bronx”
The U.S. Congress was out of order passing such a bill regarding Puerto Rico status! The final
saying regarding the status of Puerto Rico rest with the people of Puerto Rico in November 2012
when they can exercise the right to vote, not by the U.S. Congress! Vamos a unirnos para terminar
el tira y jala que tienen los americanos con nuestra islita ! Adelante BORICUA UNETE.
If my home country becomes a state, we will lose all that we’ve fought for all these years. We would lose our culture and language and everything. Not cool. What we need to do is get Fortuño out of office. He doesn’t know what’s best for our country. C’mon, he called the U.S. the best nation in the world and not his own. Seriously? ?? Nah…. independence for my home, la isla del encanto, boricua, my Puerto Rico.
IF Puerto Rico becomes a state we ALL going to loose a lot of things, our farms, homes etc, think about it, the american goberment is greedy & corrupted, you have to live in the states to see it & know it,, you get taxes even if you spit on the side walk,,Hector , is PUERTO RICO, NO porto rico,,geeeeeezzzzzzzzzz
De verdad que algunos boriquas son un poco lento. This is so obviously a satirical article. Mofongo Institute, I mean really? And that thing about the states like Florida and Colorado being renamed. LOL They have the same names from the Spanish times. Colorado=colored, Florida=flowery. Despiertate jente, que you just got pwned. LOL
We the People allows anyone to create and sign petitions asking the Obama
Administration to take action on a range of issues. If a petition gets
enough support, the Obama Administration will issue an official response.
You can view and sign the petition here:
http://wh.gov/fdHF
Here’s some more information about this petition:
Puerto Rico Statehood
Act on the 2012 Statehood vote in Puerto Rico and begin the process to
admit Puerto Rico to the Union as a State.