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Famous New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

by Ulises Silva

The Being Latino staff conducted an extensive and marginally legal research project in which we went looking for the New Year’s Resolutions of some famous Latinos, pseudo-Latinos, and non-Latinos. Really, we did! Here’s what we found!

"Latinos are hip again, right? In that case..."

Jessica Alba, Latina actress who doesn’t want to be called Latina
“I promise to finally embrace my Latina heritage…if Ricky Martin, J-Lo, and Christina Aguilera make it fashionable to do so again.”

Jan Brewer, Governor of Arizona
“I promise to try and be more like Hugo Chavez.”

Hugo Chavez, President of Venezuela
“I promise to try and be more like Jan Brewer.”

Perez Hilton, Celebrity Blogger
“I promise to try and finally do something relevant and helpful to the Latino community…or continue being the obnoxious jerk Latinos try to disassociate themselves from. Whichever is easier.”

Congress members who voted against the DREAM Act (Pre-Census report)
“I promise to keep doing my part to protect my constituents against the illegal alien hordes invading us from Mexico and Puerto Rico.”

Congress members who voted against the DREAM Act (Post-Census report)
“I promise to openly welcome and embrace the fine citizens-to-be from our distinguished southern neighbors.”

Sonia Sotomayor, Supreme Court Justice
“I promise to stop giving Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh raspberries on my way to work.”

Ricky Martin, Singer
“I promise to really start living la vida loca now that I’ve finally stated the breathtakingly obvious to the world.”

"Yeah, um, about my next role..."

Zoe Saldana, Actress, Avatar, Star Trek
“I promise to stop taking roles in which my face, racial identity, and species, for that matter, are completely obliterated.”

Danny Trejo, Actor, Machete
“I promise to use my newfound machete-wielding powers for the betterment of mankind.”

Some Hollywood executive (Post-Census report)
“I promise to cast six Latinos in leading roles this year (as opposed to just three), having never realized there were so many Latinos around. (Seriously, there are that many in California? Must have been hiding in caves or something.)”

Florencio Ávalos Silva, first of the 33 Chilean miners to be rescued
“I promise to send Luis an extra special fruit basket for Christmas this year for letting me go up first.”

Luis Urzua, last of the 33 Chilean miners to be rescued
“I promise to try really hard not to punch Florencio’s teeth in if he sends me another fruit basket for Christmas.”

Diego Maradona, former coach, Argentinean soccer team
“I promise to run around the streets of Buenos Aires naked anyway.”

"Kiss the rings, GGM!"

Mario Vargas Llosa, Peruvian writer and winner of Nobel Prize in Literature
“I promise to stop harassing Gabriel García Márquez with text messages like, Yeah u like DAT doncha, Howz dem 100 yrs of Solitood NOW, and BTW, ur character development sux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder
“I promise to finally leave the house and meet face-to-face with my ToS enforcement department to ensure Being Latino doesn’t get shut down again. Seriously, those people are scary when they get mad.”

Feliz año nuevo, y un próspero 2011, mi gente!

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To learn more about Ulises,
visit www.ulisessilva.com.

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.

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About Being Latino Contributors

Being Latino contributors consists of individuals and partner organizations. They join us in our goal of providing our audience with a communication platform designed to educate, entertain and connect all peoples across the global Latino spectrum. Together we aim to break down barriers and foster unity and empowerment through informative, thought-provoking dialogue and exchanging of ideas. Giving a unified voice to the multitude of communities that identify with the multidimensional culture that is Latino.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.

Comments

  1. beinglatino says:

    This is too funny! Jajaja

  2. k. Cedano says:

    Lmaooooo !!!

    My fave: “I promise to stop taking roles in which my face, racial identity, and species, for that matter, are completely obliterated.”

    jajajajaja, nice Ulises!

  3. jajajjaja these wee funny i especially loved perez hilton’s!

  4. Nicolle Morales Kern says:

    Love this!!! Great job.

  5. Eileen Rivera-de la Hoz says:

    Jajaja

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