by Eric Jude Cortes
Life isn’t easy. We have jobs that we slave over, families that we have to please, a dirty world to watch out for, and ugly neighbors to avoid. [1] Let’s face it, the earth is a pretty lousy place to be. Fortunately, there is help for navigating this world. This help comes to us in the form of cults. Being that life is hard, and self-esteem and personal empowerment are overrated, cults provide the best way to find success in a hectic world.
Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s difficult to join a cult. It’s not like they put up billboards on the Jersey Turnpike. No cult ever calls itself a cult. Some cults disguise themselves as organized religions, social groups, or even personal improvement workshops. So to make sure you don’t make a mistake and join something legitimate, I have created a special list for you.
You know it’s a cult when…
Its members make zombie eyed references to its leader, who is still alive: I showed up randomly to my friend Roberto’s [2] birthday party, in an NYC nightclub. Whenever I asked people how they know Roberto, their faces turned white, their pupils dilated, and they each responded, “Roberto changed my life.”
They promise to give you things that you can probably get without joining a cult: Someone hawking Personal Dynamics once asked me to state three things that I want in life. I said, “an attractive wife, more money, and more muscles.” He promised that through the secrets of Personal Dynamics, I could achieve this. Three years later, I have an attractive fiancée, I make decent money, and my muscles are nicer than yours. I never joined Personal Dynamics. I used a solid work ethic, and confidence. But what do I know.
They don’t tell you what the beliefs, rituals, and rules, are until you are in the group: How do you become a Muslim? Ask an Imam. He’ll tell you. What are the rules of Roman Catholicism? Buy or borrow the catechism. Ask someone from Personal Dynamics or Landmark what happens in their initiation ceremonies, and you will not get a straight answer.
They pressure you to pay large sums of money to join: When Roberto asked me to pay $350 to join Personal Dynamics. I told him I couldn’t afford it. He lowered it to $250. I said no. He came up with all sorts of payment plans. It took him weeks to give up.
There are some of the best ways to join a cult. If you need any advice on which seemingly legitimate organizations are cults, some suggestions are: Personal Dynamics, Landmark, Dahn Yoga, and the Jehovah’s Witness religion. Check them out. You’ll be glad you did.[3]
[1] This is a lie: I love my job, family, and life itself; and my neighbors are straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting.
[2] Name changed. He’s still my friend.
[3] Disclaimer: This article is supposed to be sarcastic and funny. I don’t actually want you to join a cult.
To learn more about Eric, randomly bump into him on the street and politely ask him some questions.
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of
the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.
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About Eric J Cortes
Thanks for posting this. A cult is not a place where everybody wears weird clothes, chant during the day, shave their heads, etc. Actually a cult can be a MLM company, a business, a psychology group, a religious group, etc.
I was part of a cult for 10 years and became part of their recruiting mechanism, their mind control mechanism and was brainwashed.
As you mention in this article, you just don’t join a cult, you don’t even know it’s a cult. It all starts with small meetings, where lots of principles of truth are slowly mixed with dissonant concepts. But the people who are part of the cult are so beautiful, so nice with you, you are enfolded in a cocoon of love and protection and the world outside starts to look scary. Things that your conscious mind tells you are wrong, your leaders or teachers tell you, “just put it in the back burner, you’ll have the answer later”, the problem is that slowly but surely you stop thinking.
Leaving a cult is hard, on one hand, is hard to admit one was wrong, on the other hand, we were so scared of the world outside that one forgets to interact and work and live there. That’s why so many choose to stay, no longer out of conviction, but rather out of fear.
What I would ask those who know people who are part of a cult, is: don’t judge them, you have no idea how complex this situation is and 2) don’t think that this would never happen to you, when one is vulnerable, one is easy prey of the cults.
When my husband and I realized the atrocities of the cult we were in, we left and found a way to heal ourselves by writing a blog so that more people could see what all this was about. You are welcome to visit
http://whathappenedtodeerfield.wordpress.com/
Gracias por poner un tema tan importante.
“Shekinahp”
Jehovah’s Witnesses are not a cult. While at university, I did a research project on how the legal campaigns they waged to defend their religious practices led to many landmark Supreme Court decisions in defense of 1st Amendment rights (23 victories, if I recall correctly). You could visit their website (www.watchtower.org) and find out quite a bit about their beliefs. They also publish the Awake and Watchtower magazines, which further expound on their beliefs. Their headquarters was in Brooklyn but I think now is in Wallkill, NY. You can visit and be given a tour of their printing presses, farms, etc. This kind of transparency contradicts the lack of secrecy you attribute to cults. By that marker, then Mormonism is also a cult. You would do well to do a little research before lumping a legitimate religion with cults – even in jest.
I had 2 Netflix waiting to be watched.
Those of us who attended Kelsey’s birthday party earlier this year will be reminded of how awesome her games are, and basically it was like that except we were on top of a mountain.
I knew the birthday party was a success the moment one of the guests qualified it this way: ?Five stars!? He must know what he talks .
I met him at a friend’s birthday party.
I want to join a cult, provided dressing in flowing, cowled robes as black as pitch is mandatory. Oh, and chanting. I want to learn how to chant in the tongue of the Old Ones who will one day rise again and devour the world. Lots of candles, dark rooms, cowled figures chanting in the shadows, a sacrifice or two, that sort of thing.
And I’m dead serious.