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Petition to make Alvaro Uribe Mayor of Philadelphia

by Eric Jude Cortes

Dear Mr. President:

As Americans, we value democracy, and at the same time glorify those who make decisions with the brutal hand of force. Abraham Lincoln suspending habeas corpus during the Civil War, William McKinley provoking a war with Spain in order to expand the American empire, and Ronald Reagan bankrolling numerous conflicts in order to end the Cold War; all of these individuals became American icons with the help of a little heavy-handedness.

In this spirit, we the undersigned individuals, present you, former president of Colombia Alvaro Uribe, with a humble request. It would please us greatly if you, with your experience as a hardnosed Conservative fighter of guerrillas, would tame a soiled nest of rats on America’s East Coast, by becoming the Mayor of Philadelphia.

Before you took office, Colombia was in the condition that Mexico is currently in. The name Colombia was synonymous with narco-traffic. In addition to the drug trade, there was fierce guerrilla war taking place all over your country with no end in sight. Once president, however, you made the tough choices, and did your best to turn Colombia into a place known for tourism, not guerrillas and drugs. More drug dealers were arrested than under any previous president. You ruthlessly attacked the FARC, leaving those who would take leadership positions to practically sign their own death warrants. When it came time to make politically dangerous decisions, like allowing the U.S. to set up bases on Colombian soil to combat drug smuggling, or bombing Ecuador in order to kill rebel leader Raul Reyes, you knew that defending the common good sometimes requires bullets and bombs.

Your services are needed in Philadelphia, a place known as “the city of brotherly life,” but more aptly described as “the city of no love.” As one of the first capitals of the United States, Philadelphia has some of the most beautiful architecture in the country, as well as some world-class museums.

However, it has a severe crime and vagrancy problems. Every day, even in wealthy parts of the city, vagrants can regularly be seen harassing passersby, or lying conspicuously close to government buildings. Students at the many local universities are regularly advised by their peers to carry pepper spray when in public areas or local train stations. Making matters worse for tourists and students is that vagrancy is not just confined to poor neighborhoods, as even the steps of City Hall are home to beggars.

Please, Mr. Uribe, we ask you to become mayor of the potentially great city of Philadelphia. With your experience as a no-nonsense destroyer of drug lords and communist guerrillas, you are just what the city needs. You know firsthand that the best solutions to problems aren’t always the most popular, so we welcome your heavy hand. If bombs, commando raids, and foreign bases worked for you in Colombia, surely they can work in Philadelphia.


To learn more about Eric, randomly bump into him on the street and politely ask him some questions.


Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those
of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.


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About Eric J Cortes

Eric Jude Cortes describes his ethnic background as simply “New Yorker.” The son of an Italian mother and a Puerto Rican father, Eric Jude grew up in a Russian/Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn and attended extremely diverse public schools. Eric Jude credits his diverse upbringing with his success professionally, as since 2004 he has been teaching in a public high school with one of the largest percentage of foreign born students in the city. It is this diversity which has shaped his work for Being Latino, which have ranged from a lighthearted musing on the drink Malta, to a passionate diatribe against drug addicts. At the university level, Eric Jude has an MA in History, with a thesis on Contraband in Spanish Puerto Rico, from Brooklyn College. An avid traveler, Eric Jude’s bucket list includes a pledge to visit every Latin American country, something he has complete halfway so far. His secrets to success in life include faith, a type-A personality, and the ability to be silly and break into a dance at moment’s notice. Daily, he can be found running on your local street, lifting weights at your local gym, or praying at your local Catholic church.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.


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