The government guide to raising a family (and other federal bedtime stories)

by Ulises Silva

You’ve heard about the government and how it heroically saved the country by raising the debt ceiling and solving all our deficit problems for good! You’ve heard of Congress’ ability to put aside petty partisan agendas to get the job done! You’ve heard of their unwavering dedication to Americans who don’t have private jets!

Now, the government brings its results-driven competence to your home with its new book, The Government Guide to Raising a Family (and Other Federal Bedtime Stories). Written in simple toddler English that even the Tea Party can understand, this book helps you raise your kids using secret tips and tricks of successful democratic legislation!

Just imagine! The wisdom of Republicans and Democrats, now available in book form! (Spanish version unavailable in Arizona and Georgia.)

Here are just some of the stories you’ll find inside!

“There are scary, vicious, tax-raising monsters under the bed.” – Is your kid asking embarrassing questions about sex, death, and why you just spent $3,000 on a home theater system but didn’t donate to his school’s new textbook fundraiser? Manufacture a crisis! Tell him about the socialist monster under his bed that eats kids who want proper funding for education!

“Your mother hates you and will sell you to Mexican illegal aliens.” – Tired of your spouse teaching your kid things you don’t agree with? Apply the wisdom of the two-party campaign system and win your kid over! Learn how to make attack ads using simple household items! See how talking points and mindlessly sticking to the party line dilutes your child’s ability for independent thought! Harness the power of name-calling and convince your kid his mom is a socialist for trying to feed him vegetables! Discover the power of tweeting your spouse’s remarks out of context and watch your kid’s allegiance go blinder by the second!

“Your welfare is important, but they’re offering daddy lots of money.” – A gas company wants to start a fracking operation next to your kids’ swing set? Predatory lenders just went into their room to offer them a $25,000 line of credit and a subprime mortgage? Corporate lobbyists knocking on your door and insisting you feed your children crap? But they’re offering you millions in return? It’s a no-brainer! It’s not like your kids are going to live forever!

“None of the cool kids have health insurance.” – Do your kids ask why kids in Canada and France have universal health insurance but they don’t? Are they suggesting you help ensure they’ll actually be able to see a doctor if they’re dumb enough to get sick? Remind them that only sissies want health insurance (case in point, the Canadians and French), and that the cool kids never have proper health insurance. If they keep whining, promise them you’ll enact healthcare reform, and then send them to their room.

“I have to cut your allowance because daddy has a sacred cow.” – Should you spend money to give your kids an education and the means to secure long-term employment to become productive members of the middle class? Or spend it on your expensive weapon-collecting hobby (that F-22 would look so cool in your garage)? Tell your kids all about the magical, sacred cow, and then pass the ammunition!

Functional, non-hypocritical bipartisanship has achieved so much, especially over the past 10 years. Now, bring the maturity of your elected officials home, and raise your kids, the American government way! Order your copy of The Government Guide to Raising a Family (and Other Federal Bedtime Stories) today!

To learn more about Ulises, visit Digital Decaf.

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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of
the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.

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