by Ulises Silva
Congratulations! It’s taken a while, but despite the best efforts of idiots like Joe Arpaio to criminalize being Latino back in the Dark Ages II, you’ve given hope to millions of Latinos across all 52 states. You’ve become the first Latino President of the United States of America® Brought to You by Bank of America! And now, here we are, May 5, 2034. Inauguration Day, which you wisely moved to Cinco de Mayo to coincide with the one day of the year everyone likes Latinos (or are at least too drunk to remember to scapegoat us).
We never thought this day would come. But, hey, some crazy things have happened the past couple of years. McDonalds finally started paying reparations in 2031. Former President Palin finally apologized to the world before exiling herself to Mars. And the Arizona Cardinals nearly won the last Super Bowl! (You bet on London, but the Cards would have crushed them had their star QB, third-generation Honduran-American John Ramos, not been deported to Mexico after leaving his Arizona apartment the week before the game.)
I didn’t think this day would come. Yeah, I know the Census showed that Latinos are now 120 million strong, but for whatever reason, we’re still not voting. Fortunately, the 22% of them who did put you ahead of Glen Beck III. Whew!
Um…before we head out to your Inauguration, uh…there’s something you need to know. I did some research into the Dark Ages II, and it turns out Donald Trump…yeah, him…yeah, still alive…90, we think…well, it turns out the Trump Tower actually houses a massive life-prolongation and hair fluffing machine. So back in 2011, he got President Obama…yeah, the guy the Republicans impeached for pronouncing Pakistan right…to release his birth certificate. I know! Can you imagine?
The thing is…Obama was the first non-white President of the U.S.®. You know that Hypothetical Extrapolations Device over at MIT? They ran a simulation to see what would have happened if John McCain had won that election, and if he would have faced birther questions despite his technicalities. And…that’s right! Not one question asked! They denied it, but everyone knew the birthers were just a bunch of racist as…
Holy mothers of Gods, it’s almost time! But before we head out…uh…Trump and the birthers are coming after you too. Our Secret Service Ninja found a list of things they’re going to bring…
What are they? For one, they’re going to declare you an illegal alien…yes, I know you, your parents, and grandparents were born and raised here…but they’ll argue your great-grandmother came over illegally…from Puerto Rico. What else? Oh…they’re going to attack your preference for authentic Mexican food, and argue that you’re un-American for hating Mexican pizzas. What else? Um…they’re going to attack your multilingualism. Oh, no, your Italian and Chinese are fine. French? Probably fine. But your Spanish…yeah, they’re going to demand that you speak English or die. Yes, even those who can’t spell. And your college and graduate career? Yeah, they’re going to drop the Affirmative Action bomb again. Yes…they’re still using it.
What can I say? The horrible truth about being the first Latino President is that you’re going to be facing the unrestrained scorn of people who never wanted this day to come, just like Obama had to face all those folks who couldn’t fathom a black man becoming President. They’ll attack you. And they’ll say some breathtakingly stupid and hurtful things along the way. But, hey, remember your campaign slogan. Sí se puede, hell yeah!
Well, Madam President, your limo is ready.
To learn more about Ulises, visit Digital Decaf.
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those
of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.