by Cindy Tovar
In my previous article, Virgin Fever, I discussed how Latinas are told to save themselves for marriage, and then aren’t told much more than that. But what are our young men being told?
Unfortunately, after questioning friends, family, and some acquaintances, I found that many Latino males are told nothing at all, while others are encouraged to just “go for it,” with a mere warning to not get anyone pregnant. For those who are given some form of the talk, it often comes too late: they have already learned about sex through personal experience, health class, friends, and/or porn. Of the guys I asked, only one was taught that sex was okay as long as it was in a strong, loving relationship.
I think it’s safe to say that preserving their virginity is not the top priority when it comes to Latino males. Most of the time, boys are given an all-access pass when it comes to dating and sex. This double-standard is due to machismo (isn’t it always the culprit?), and its view that men need to satisfy their uncontrollable sex drives so they can prove their manliness.
As a Latina, I’m usually the first one to point out that the males in most Latino families are given more freedom and just have it easier, in general. However, it’s important to acknowledge that they are victims of a certain type of pressure, too: While girls feel pressure from their mothers to remain chaste, boys (some from a very young age) feel pressure from their fathers, or other male figures in their life, to perform their manly duties. Their virginity isn’t valued, but instead seen as something to be ashamed of and a title they need to get rid of in order to be respected as a man.
Let’s go back to my original question. If the data I’ve gathered from my small sample is correct, then it’s not only young Latinas, but also young Latinos who aren’t receiving much information on how to protect themselves when it comes to sex.
We have a problem, and it seems to me that it’s because most Latino parents have been focusing on the wrong things. For girls, the focus is on abstinence. For guys, the focus is on sleeping with as many girls as possible. Another contributing factor could be that some boys are being raised by single mothers who don’t know how to approach their sons about sex.
But let’s focus on what needs to be done now. I believe that parents need to teach both sexes about contraception, and respecting their own bodies and the bodies of others. We need to erase the double-standard by telling both sexes that it’s okay to wait for someone special, and that there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. And finally, we need to leave the threats and teasing out of the discussion so that our kids can feel comfortable enough to talk to us openly about sex.
To learn more about Cindy, visit Dagny’s Dichotomy.
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Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those
of the author and should not be understood to be shared by Being Latino, Inc.
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About Cindy Tovar
This was a great read. More parents need to have serious talks with their kids about the seriousness of sex.
With my family in Mexico, the boy cousins were taken to strip bars by my uncles. While my father (and the rest of the family) assumed since we lived in the US we’d be “loose” and get pregnant at an early age. So the assumption was sex is part of becoming a man and very bad, dirty, wrong as part of becoming a women. We’ll I never did get pregnant. And I also like sex. Who knew!
I totally agree with you. I have a 14 year old teenage boy and an 11 year old pre-teen girl. We have the “sex” conversation regularly during our family dinners. I talk to them about everything ,not just sex, that they might need to know or have questions about. My husband and I have no shame in doing it. with all the things that you see, pre-teen pregnancy, STD’s and just kids not knowing, it’s good to pass the information on and see that our kids are being educated. My son’s health teacher is so relieved to hear that we talk to our kids about it.
Excellent read.. I too agree with what you have written. I was a single parent of a boy & definitely encouraged him to abstain & about STDs. I have always been pretty frank w/ my son cuz I feel it was part of my job as a parent to inform him. There was no one else for him at the time. He has very strong values today as an adult. I feel he will be an excellent role model for his kids when he has some!
Great post. The pressures of “performing” were very present at 15 yrs old. I remember my Salvadoran uncles wanted to “initiate” me (unbeknownst to my parents) by hiring a harlet, er, prostitute, harlet just sounds kinda classier. That’s what they were taught, and they thought they were doing me a favor by passing on the tradition. This is such a misguided effort at manhood. I still see it in my family today and feel bad for my young male cousins. I do the best I can to condone this behavior and promote healthy sexual relationships and protection. I somehow escaped my uncle’s plans to de-virginize me. But I think Latino parents need to be more aware if this and raise their voices to protect their children.
I think machismo and antiquated views about both sexes and not properly educating our youth about sex is why we have such a high teen pregnancy rate and why guys go around sleeping with girls and getting them pregnant or if they don’t get pregnant it’s another notch on their belts. I think both sexes should be taught to abstain or at least use a condom and get birth control. I have a son and when he becomes a teen I will educate him to respect females and educate about condom use, etc. The fact that women are told to abstain is ridiculous in my opinion. It takes to have sex and two to make a baby and she should be also be well prepared to prevent herself from getting hurt and from STDS and unwanted pregnancies. This practice done by men to initiate young men is another practice that I don’t agree with but machismo is a way of life and thinking that’s part of culture but if you aren’t the one to break the cycle it will keep being passed down
I remember a conference I went to at the University a few years ago. It was a sex related conference of some sort. The thing is that the lady giving the conference asked: “How many of the girls here are virgins?” They all raised their hands. Then she asked: “How many of the guys here are virgins?” Not one guy raised it. I doubt that everyone was being honest there.